Ay, amigos. Yo cada vez que voy a ver una película en 3D me mareo. Pero claro, eso no es nada en comparación con lo mal que lo pasaron los gemelos himba… No obstante, vayamos por partes.
HIMBA
La cosa comenzó con los himba flipando con las escaleras mecánicas. Si es que a la gente que inventa esas cosas es a quien deberían darle el premio Nobel. Porque, ¿qué ha hecho la física cuántica por nosotros? Y sin embargo, ¿cuántas veces no hemos usado unas escaleras mecánicas? ¡Avance de la humanidad!
Por las Ramblas la tribu se encontró con lo mil artistas-estatua que allí se ponen. Había una con un traje de obesa, que les encantó. Los gemelos y Kambana se dedicaron a meterle mano a base de bien, que los himba son de los que las prefieren gordas. De hecho, Kambana, después de frotar la cebolleta en las posaderas de gomaespuma dijo «me he quedado con ganas de hacérselo».
Pero no son los únicos a los que les va el sexo duro. A Kauvi le puso burra uno que hacía de Eduardo Manostijeras. No violó al chaval allí mismo porque había gente mirando.
Pero su gozo acabó en el fondo de un pozo, o más bien, en el fondo de un acuario. Y es que Kauvi prefiere meter una mano en la licuadora que acercarse al agua. El caso es los metieron en el acuario de Barcelona, incluido el túnel que va por debajo del acuario. «¿Por qué les gustará tanto el agua?», se preguntaba la mujer.
A los gemelos les llamó la atención que nos comiéramos los peces, porque son muy feos. Es que si sólo nos comiéramos los animales bonitos, los gatos, los perros y las actrices y actores de moda iban a flipar.
Y entonces llegó la tortura. Las gemelas se llevaron a los gemelos a ver una peli en 3D, y qué vieron, ¿’Los misterios de Egipto’? ¿’Un paseo por las nubes’? ¡¡NO!! Las muy sádicas les metieron a ver un documental sobre dinosaurios.
Y no es que los gemelos no sean valerosos, es que no tenían su palo para defenderse. Porque todo el mundo sabe que para defenderse de un tiranosaurux rex con hambre, lo mejor es un palo. Pero no pasó nada, porque afortunadamente tenían una bufanda con la que arrear a los bichos. Ah, ¿quién quiere bombas atómicas cuando puede usar bufandas?
Las gemelas, las jodías, estaban descojonadas (a ratos hasta los huevos de los gemelos) y disfrutaron de lo lindo con frases de los gemelos como «si sobrevivo mañana me vuelvo a casa«, o «nosotros no os llevamos a sitios peligrosos».
La gente de la sala debía flipar viendo a los gemelos. De hecho debieron flipar cuando los árbitros de la asociación española de salto de altura en butaca se personaron en el cine para certificar que los gemelos himba son los humanos que son capaces de poner mayor espacio entre sus nalgas y la silla con un solo movimiento.
Sin embargo, Kauvi y Watumbikua habrían preferido tragarse seis secuelas de la peli de los dinosaurios con tal de no pasar los minutos que pasaron cuando Montse les hizo el test de embarazo. Y es que cuando ya has tenido once hijos se te acaban los nombres que poner, ¿y qué haces entonces, eh?
Lo que me resultó curioso es que a uno de los gemelos le dolieran los huevos después de montar a caballo, cuando seguramente aún los tenía puestos de corbata después de ver la peli. Pero así fue: se deshuevó con un ligero trotecillo.
Me pareció de una clarividencia evidente y de una sencillez escalofriante el modo en que Jose le explicó a Kambana el tema de la crisis.
Sólo he entrado en un bingo una vez. Verlo ayer por la tele me recordó el ambiente sórdido y extraño que hay en esos sitios. Pero claro, a lo mejor es porque yo no me llevé ni el papel higiénico del servicio y sin embargo uno de los gemelos se llevó la línea y el bingo. Yo soy las gemelas y me llevo a ese chaval a las vegas. ¡O un euromillones a medias!
MENTAWAI
A Carlos Sainz se le pusieron los testículos como las orejas a Mickey Mouse cuando vio a las mentawai subidas en los karts. Y no era para menos, sobre todo en el caso de Lili, que es una temeraria y le daba al acelerador que no la cogía ni la guardia civil. Y claro, se dio unas leches de las que crean afición. Y con todo y con eso, conducen mucho mejor que la mayoría de la gente que conozco.
Y por otro lado, se subieron en el podio más veces que Fernando Alonso… y eso que sólo se subieron una vez. Pero claro, les jorobaron la alegría del triunfo con el humo artificial, porque ellas se pensaron que estaba ardiendo. Eso pasa por ir de modernos con los efectos especiales.
Poco después se pusieron a hacer un paella en una paellera más grande que una casa. Y claro, de ahí salió paella para ciento y la madre. Los asistentes a la comilona, que eran muchos y variados, les regalaron a las chicas unos tangas rojos de putón desorejado que les permitirán no pasar desapercibidas cuando vuelvan a la selva.
Luismi y Sonia se quedaron solos un rato y la tensión no se podía cortar con un cuchillo. Hacía falta una motosierra de las gordas.
Lili está desatada. La muchacha se ha propuesto no irse de España sin un buen zagal que le caliente las frías humas de Indonesia. Por lo pronto le ha echado el ojo a Jorge Blas (que bueno es este tío haciendo magia). «Sería un buen marido», dijo la muchacha casadera, que debió pensar que igual que saca una paloma de un pañuelo puede sacar un bocata de jamón y así se ahorra hacer cenas.
Peeero también le echó el ojo al veterinario, que claro, era un «chamán muy guapo». «Si son todos así de guapos no me importaría ser un perro«, dijo Lili, que es más práctica con eso de los animales: «Cuando se ponen malos, los tiramos al río».
Por su parte, los hombres mentawai disfrutaron de lo lindo viendo cómo un señor con sombrero mataba a la madre de Bambi, así a traición. Deberían haberle dado también un arma al ciervo y haber dado diez pasos antes de disparar.
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